Its time to give myself a time-out, and consider some things.
I am angry, and there are many reasons for this emotion. Some are justified but others are not. Much of my anger is combined with grief, these two mingled together provide a clearer picture of my writings. I am a man of faith, but terribly wounded by my faith experience. I have felt abandoned by the church, and by God at times; although, who hasn’t I suppose.
I am a single voice, one person trying to put a lifetime in perspective but I hope I’m not alone. Reflection is important, we have to stop now and then and look at where we’re headed, and why. It is easy to get a head of steam up and just barrel your way through life based on certain things, people, difficulties we’ve experienced.
It is also simple to place a filter on things so that every unique aspect of life looks the same. I could be convicted of that practice.
As I look through the lens of childhood abuse and the resulting life I have had, it is clear why I am angry. There is a strong scent of betrayal, abandonment and disregard; and the whole time God has been witness to it. He saw what happened to me, and he has also stood by and watched as I have floundered through my life. These are facts.
As I stop to reflect on it all I have a choice to make.
- Shall I continue on with tirades against the church as a whole, condemning their lack of effort to actually help the truly needy?
- In all honesty, is there any chance my approach or circle of influence is effective in championing my cause?
- Is my argument primarily with God, and then by proxy, the church?
Maybe its time to think some things through as I try to once again find a place among the faithful.
- Is there another way I could influence others and raise awareness of the hurts so many christians walk around with every day?
- How can I get through to spiritual leaders, and communicate to them that what they are doing isn’t helping in many ways.
- That in order to reach the heart of the issues people have is to let go of old ways of thinking and adopt some new practices.
The subjects I am referring to are written of often and to great length in my blog here and at the chronicles… I process openly. If you go back a couple years on this blog you will see a very different perspective, and I think thats good.
When writing in the past I was not being completely honest, but trying instead to fit in, to walk and talk like a “good christian.”
My heart is broken and so the anger seeps out, like a fissure in the Earth releases what it can longer contain. Whats inside is exposed. I need a new heart, one that understands all the pain I have experienced and is able to define it differently, with love instead of judgment. That is hard to do, but I am thinking it isn’t impossible. Because I have been told that God is able to do more than I can ask or even think.
I guess that in reflection, it all comes full circle. Back to where I began, before I was damaged and before the stuff piled up and created this blockage that prevents my moving forward. Maybe thats where humility meets tragedy, and grace vanquishes fear.