Its time to give myself a time-out, and consider some things.

I am angry, and there are many reasons for this emotion. Some are justified but others are not. Much of my anger is combined with grief, these two mingled together provide a clearer picture of my writings. I am a man of faith, but terribly wounded by my faith experience. I have felt abandoned by the church, and by God at times; although, who hasn’t I suppose.

I am a single voice, one person trying to put a lifetime in perspective but I hope I’m not alone. Reflection is important, we have to stop now and then and look at where we’re headed, and why. It is easy to get a head of steam up and just barrel your way through life based on certain things, people, difficulties we’ve experienced.

It is also simple to place a filter on things so that every unique aspect of life looks the same. I could be convicted of that practice.

As I look through the lens of childhood abuse and the resulting life I have had, it is clear why I am angry. There is a strong scent of betrayal, abandonment and disregard; and the whole time God has been witness to it. He saw what happened to me, and he has also stood by and watched as I have floundered through my life. These are facts.

As I stop to reflect on it all I have a choice to make.

  • Shall I continue on with tirades against the church as a whole, condemning their lack of effort to actually help the truly needy?
  • In all honesty, is there any chance my approach or circle of influence is effective in championing my cause?
  • Is my argument primarily with God, and then by proxy, the church?


Maybe its time to think some things through as I try to once again find a place among the faithful.

  • Is there another way I could influence others and raise awareness of the hurts so many christians walk around with every day?
  • How can I get through to spiritual leaders, and communicate to them that what they are doing isn’t helping in many ways.
  • That in order to reach the heart of the issues people have is to let go of old ways of thinking and adopt some new practices.

The subjects I am referring to are written of often and to great length in my blog here and at the chronicles… I process openly. If you go back a couple years on this blog you will see a very different perspective, and I think thats good.

When writing in the past I was not being completely honest, but trying instead to fit in, to walk and talk like a “good christian.”

My heart is broken and so the anger seeps out, like a fissure in the Earth releases what it can longer contain. Whats inside is exposed. I need a new heart, one that understands all the pain I have experienced and is able to define it differently, with love instead of judgment. That is hard to do, but I am thinking it isn’t impossible. Because I have been told that God is able to do more than I can ask or even think.

I guess that in reflection, it all comes full circle. Back to where I began, before I was damaged and before the stuff piled up and created this blockage that prevents my moving forward. Maybe thats where humility meets tragedy, and grace vanquishes fear.





One thought on “Reflecting…

  1. Pingback: Reflecting… — the rip[ple] effect – THE CHRONICLES…

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