I am One of Three

I was asked recently why I don’t “move on,  you keep writing about the same things over and over, people are tired of it.” Well, I will move on when its time, and I will know when that is. In the last two years I have faced what this life has become and until I can process that, I will be right here banging this drum.

My experience at the hands of an abuser are mine alone. I share from my heart the outcomes and truth of where these things have taken me in my life. I don’t speak to contradict others who deal with their pain differently, therby judging them by my standard. I realize that every abuse victim has taken a road unique to them in order to deal with their trauma.

Today though, I do want to touch on my observations in relationships I have personally had through this journey.

First, there are those closest to me, my two siblings. Closest is a bit of a misnomer though, because there hasn’t been true intimacy between us for the most part. The abusive terror that ran rampant throughout our childhood has done exactly what it set out to do to this point in time. It has caused separation, anger, fear, denial, anxiety, depression, addiction, dysfunction, coldness, selfishness, and more abuse. It has fostered broken relationships, broken extended families, and broken spirituality. It has sparked division of philosophy within the so-called family, and torn asunder the lives of a generation and beyond. It has also engendered animosity between co-victims. Some denying they are victims at all; and  those, who with every response, every action, and every motivation reveal their deep wounds that still lay bare for all to see.

If my siblings and I were the only case study available for the long term effects of childhood sexual abuse, the evidence would be overwhelmingly obvious as to its merciless, long-term devastation.

Second, is the relationship with my parents; there is none, at least in my case. Let me share why that is. I will not speak for anyone else but I can tell you that the religious component as much as anything else has been a culprit in preventing restoration. This is because a perpetrator has hidden behind religion to excuse their actions and justify their life. In doing so, in claiming grace as their out, they have expunged themselves of any personal responsibility to atone for their sins. While it is true that God forgives and forgets, humanities scars are not so easily salved and shelved away. There are things we do that affect others so adversely that efforts must be made to compensate for them. Through repentance, genuine compassion, humility, and restitution, we show our sincerity of heart, and our sorrow for what we have done. This has never been evident, and therefor no possibility of restoration exists.

Third, are the intimate relationships I have had with others. I learned a very important lesson as a child, don’t trust anyone. This core belief has caused me to sabotage virtually every relationship I have had since. I have destroyed love, pushed away opportunity, and in the process lost the ability to trust myself in any meaningful capacity. I have used people and then callously disposed of them. I have charmed others too get my needs met and then forsaken them in return. I have had people step out on a ledge on my behalf and then I have pushed them off the building. I have proven myself to be a dangerous and unreliable spouse, friend, partner, or associate.

Fourth are my relationships within the church. I have treated these poorly as well. I have built up some justifications that track closely with my third point, but I will expand a bit for this. When it comes to the church, I have placed blame on the institution as a whole for a lack of action to save me as a child. Then, over time, ignoring the screams for help and heartlessly turning its back on me. This position garners little to no respect or warmth from the church for me as a person today, but instead causes it to lash out in rebuke, or withdraw into its self-reinforcing cocoon of ignorance and aloofness. The one place supposedly open to all, welcoming of the broken hearted and abused, slams its doors in my face. I have heard it said that the church “Is the only entity that kills its own wounded.” I can attest to its truth. I sense a growing animosity in my heart for something claiming such altruistic motives, and yet displaying the polar opposite.

I am one of three who endured hell at the hands of a supposedly loving and caring individual. I am distinctly different from my siblings. I am processing and healing in my own way and with a vision and insight uniquely my own. While I confront my anger and my beliefs there is naked truth considered and honest revelations. I have no desire to protect my reputation, whats the point? I have lost it completely anyway. But, I tell you this, I will not go gentle into that good night. I will not allow my life to pass as a meaningless and momentary blip in eternities time. I will grow more resolute in my search for truth, to expose the lies we tell ourselves and others, and spur to action the lethargic, unconcerned powers that be.

Do not go gentle into that good night
Dylan Thomas, 1914 – 1953

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

 

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “I am One of Three

  1. I don’t think there is a time-table for when you move on from something that is so profoundly part of your life. You move one (however that looks) and write about whatever moves you when it feels the like right thing to do. If people don’t want to read what you write about, they can feel free to move on. Just an opinion. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for those comments. It has been difficult to process, especially with the fact I am later in life, people seem to think your life is just like theirs. I should be over this, or have already figured it out. I feel incredibly empowered to be dealing with this genuinely and not continuing to mask the issue.
      Thank you for the encouragement.

      Have a great day Alexis!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I can relate to this post very much. I have both complex And acute PTSD. Your description of personal relationships rung many bells. Keep up the good fight and don’t let those who don’t understand hinder your growth!

        Liked by 1 person

      • My thoughts and prayers are with you! PTSD is real and suffered by so many people, myself included, yet are minimized as well.
        Thanks so much! C

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s