Is this how you feel? (read at your own risk)

I spend a lot of time reading stories about various sex offenses. People who are caught with child pornography, pastors with prostitutes, those who have marital infidelity, inappropriate relationships with co-workers, rape, incest, all sorts of dysfunctions. I don’t do this for the shock value, I do it to help me understand a broader spectrum of what makes people do what they do.

I also find myself drawn to the comments area of these posts and read things that sicken my stomach. I am embarrassed to have in anyway made myself susceptible to the same activities which draw such vitriolic responses from the public.

I was a worship pastor, I engaged in the use of porn, and I resigned. I knew it was wrong and removed myself from the position of leadership voluntarily.

When I read the things people say, I wonder in my mind…. am I that same person to you? The hypocrite, the sex addict, the “lock him up and throw away the key”guy that you think is nothing but a pervert? Is that why you never engage in a dialogue with me? Is that why you have abandoned me – because I am getting what I deserve? In your eyes, am I a disgusting creature who needs to be taken out and hung?

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I ask because you have disappeared from my life. What friends I have had don’t ever ask how I am doing anymore, or if they do, its every 6 months with no response to my reply. I feel like a thrown away person. Shame is my only friend, although it never speaks to me, only taunts with every opportunity.

I ask you these things because I feel abandoned, like its up to me to do everything to win you back, when I have sinned and don’t feel your welcome to return. Is that the gospel? Is that the call of God on the lives of his people to welcome the apparent sinless, and cast out the broken? Must I live a perfect life until I die and still be identified by my weaknesses? Where is the hand that offers to lift someone from the place of despair? To help restore the wayward to his calling?

When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’ Matt. 25:40 (MSG)

Have you forgotten that we all need a help, someone to encourage us and walk with us? We need people that are true through anything and not just when it is convenient?

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Do you hate me? Am I an embarrassment to you? Do you wish you had never known me? Would I be better off dead, in jail, and forgotten?

Tell me….is this how you feel? Can you hear my longing to be restored and feel I am a part of society again? Contributing to the betterment of those I come in contact with? Sharing my story to provide hope for those caught in the traps I have fallen for?

I know I shouldn’t care what you think….but I have learned a great deal about what tripped me up and about the inner workings of the heart of the abused. I am armed with truth, and hope, and renewed strength. Isn’t that the kind of person you want to know?

I am thankful that I have a God that knows me, and loves me anyway. He see’s my heart, and my mind, and yet… he still loves me.

See my related post here as I consider what friendship looks like.

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4 thoughts on “Is this how you feel? (read at your own risk)

  1. Chris, God bless you for this writing! God is great because I have been feeling exactly this way just very recently! We will get together soon my friend and brother in Christ and in the struggle of life. You have no idea the comfort I have received from this recent post on your blog! Keep it up. You never, ever know!

    Marty

    Liked by 1 person

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