When we have been deeply hurt, forgiveness is difficult; when we’ve held onto it for a lifetime it can seem impossible.
A while back I tried to have a more positive voice in my blog. The problem is that what is inside inevitably seeps out, a lot of negativity. At the core of it all I have to realize that I have withheld forgiveness from a person who did terrible destruction in my life. I am grappling with it every day. This isn’t something that happened last year, it took place when I was a child; I have allowed my attitude and feelings for this person to taint every moment since. The joy hasn’t been nearly as sweet as it could have been and the pain immeasurably worse than it needed to be.
This current time in which I am living is pretty overwhelming too. There is a convergence of many different challenging things and they have been kicking my butt as I try to get through each day. I won’t go into detail, but it had actually even put me in the hospital recently.
In the middle of all this opposition I was confronted with reacquainting myself with an “old friend” …forgiveness. It wasn’t sweet and understanding, it didn’t want to listen to my rationalizations and excuses for evading the issue, it was an aggressive force that got in my face. Here is my reality. For years I gave into pornography’s relentless demands, obsessed with myself and unable to envision any other life; now that porn and it’s lies have been removed, I can actually put strength, thought and energy to the things I have long avoided, like the concept of forgiveness.
Today, I am still surrounded by challenges, imminent problems and nerve-wracking questions. Even though, I can also consider new and fresh idea’s for me that might restore hope to what has been a lifetime of disaster and purpose to a man who had lost the ability to dream.
We should be grateful for the voices that challenge us, that say we may be thinking wrongly and that offer a different perspective from our own. Our choices could be more broad than we once thought and our outcomes might even be more positive, if we’ll listen.
Forgiveness. I am open to it, still, after all that has happened…and I cannot deny that it is truly a supernatural miracle.