In this time, a time that has in many ways stood still and in others progressed dramatically, I exist. This person lives.
Some would criticize my process, my questions, my beliefs and proclamations at any given point of my journey. Some take my words personally and well they should, any words spoken that pierce the protective layers of our hearts are illuminating in some way. Some identify with my words and expressed doubts, they realize that this collection of letters, even today, are but single moments of a lifetimes journey. I won’t apologize for that.
So you disagree with my observations and conclusions…great! You’ve a life of your own and an experience very different from mine. In no way less important, but different.
Should I be false in relating the truth of my life? Surely you have read my encouragements as well as my frustrations. You don’t judge me by a single post, but by the entirety of content, right? Just as you don’t wish to be judged by any single act, neither do I.
It’s not that I am rebelling in my relationship with God, it is just an effort to make sense of some things. Yes, even that statement will get people riled up, they will say it is not for us to always find the sense in life. While I agree, I still want to find out what I can.
It is not my place to say what you should believe, how you should act, or judge you from what little I can see. Look, we are all complex creatures, a mixture of sadness and joy, pleasure and pain. I respect that you’ve faced many fears and beaten them, that you have hurdled extremely difficult obstacles. I acknowledge that, even though I don’t know you.
I ask that if you read, you understand that I write what I truly feel, and not to entertain or sensationalize my experiences or observations. My goal is not to oppress others or to trivialize their experiences, but to gain a greater measure of personal enlightenment.
This is my journal which I willfully share with you. My deepest thoughts and worries, my staunchest beliefs and my legitimate questions. The wounds are real, the story is painful, but the outcome isn’t assured. I will continue to learn, grow, seek, pray, think and write. It is part of my purpose to get you to think outside the framework of your life, just as I need to. I am ensconced in my own cocoon, in some ways I protect myself and remain in denial willfully, I admit that. Does it mean I will never change? No. My cocoon is the home of a beautiful new creation. I will emerge with an empathy for the suffering of others I have only begun to understand. My faith and trust will be deeply rooted in God, and my addictions fully vanquished.
This is what authenticity looks like. I hope you’ll stick around, it’s gonna be something to see.