I used to write semi-prolifically; I started out very positive and hopeful but you can clearly see the downward arc of my life and the changes are very evident by my perspective.
This morning I had a moment of what has lately been very rare…. eye-opening realization. It was this: I will never be satisfied or happy as a person.
Now this has nothing to do with present circumstances, because indeed, everything is going about as great as it could. But as I put a towel to my face after a shower I began to weep. It didn’t take long to diagnose the reason.
I have been broken inside for a very long time, damaged in a way that never really heals. I am one of millions who feel this for various reasons, and the outcome can be anything from making the person what appears to be strong, to suicidal. But I just want to take a second and explore this breaking life.
It made me think of a fine piece of china. This beautiful heirloom had been meticulously designed, expertly crafted, and lovingly given. However, a careless act allows it to be dropped and shattered. Once the china has been damaged so severely it is impossible to repair it and make it new once again.
Such is my life. This early breaking of a precious life destroyed some things that cannot and will not be repaired.
Now, let me spend a moment on the spiritual side of this. What came to mind is the multitude of Christians who will give you the countless remedies to make everything better, the list is far to exhaustive to get into, but you can certainly conjure up a few in your mind. As I took this further I thought of the ultimate breaking that took place when Jesus’ body was hung on the cross and he died. The resurrection, some would say, is the hope of restoration that lies in our faith; that we can believe for such miracles.
As I push through my late 50’s I am not encouraged. I suffered at the hands of an abuser at a young age as did my siblings. Some would say that there is success and failure present in each man now. But I see deeper than the outward and KNOW that there is tremendous brokenness and hurt residing in each of us. Has that stopped us from trying? No. Do we do the right things and occasionally make mistakes? Yes. Sounds normal right? The problem is deep in the core, unseen by human eyes, at which the turmoil, unrest, abandonment, abuse, self-loathing, shame, fear and doubt actually continue to thrive.
I don’t want to say anyone hasn’t overcome…hell, I am still alive and that in itself is a victory. I am just saying that for me, and many, many others, there is death inside that cannot be cured, patched, glued or soothed away.
It is a hopeless feeling…but one I can face realistically now.