When you disappoint others, it is difficult to win them back.
When you disappoint yourself there may be no getting back.
This morning that’s what I feel I have ultimately done with my life, let myself down. I am tired and spent, unable or maybe unwilling to get off the mat after that last, crushing blow-which I gave myself.
It isn’t on anyone else, it fully rests with and on me. That’s hard to take. When one is disloyal to themselves it is the ultimate betrayal. I sacrificed so much with my own selfishness, that my will to come out of the corner for another round has been exhausted.
Everything I believed in and held on to, all my training and preparation was useless against the foe I faced most consistently, myself. I weakened at critical points when I needed to rely on stamina, my lack of mental toughness was exposed by a relentless barrage of sucker punches. As I lay bleeding and spent, unable to focus, my opponent turned his back and raised his arms in victory.
I can hear him laughing, it echoes in my head as I try to see through the blood oozing from the gash above my eye. The smell of defeat fills the air. I watch, as in slow motion the towel floats over my head and lands gently in the center of the ring signifying my loss, it’s actually beautiful in a way.
The arena is empty now but I remain stuck to the mat. Tears fill my eyes as I remember how long and hard I prepared. But against this nemesis, there was no victory. In the end I couldn’t beat the most dangerous contender of all.
When the fight is with yourself, and you get beaten, there is no coming back.
I never had a chance.