When Will I Find It?

I’ve searched high and low, spent decades in looking for “it”, still it eludes me like a sad joke.

So I lift my head on another day like most of those before it with being able to somehow get out of bed and make even a little something out of this thing called life.

Problem is that I’m torn in pieces. Most of them fragments and scraps of a persons former existence. They really cannot be put back together, maybe I need a new canvas and a new starting point.

I’m all questions and no answers and that’s it in a microcosm.

This is why I am somewhat stalled right now, filled with questions, doubts and fear. I have no confidence to make the smallest of decisions. I’ve lost the ability to somehow move with my feet stuck in hardened concrete. There’s an image, what once were called cement overshoes for people who were murdered by mafia types. Dropped in the water, never to be seen again. Sinking to the depths alone, forever.

How do people go to the edge of infinities no turning back and yet build something amazing from the burnt out remains of their lives?

Where is the word that ignites a flame of hope to turn the tide? I cannot see it. I have “stuff”, I have many good things in my life but I’m still teetering on the brink of destruction. Blind, deaf and dumb. When will the medications start working, when will the therapy start reaping rewards?

At some point that “when” that is afar off will still be so distant that I will completely give up and give in to the thoughts that plague me.

I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel today…most days.

It’s halfway done today, another setting sun and another sunrise after it. Moving methodically, inexorably to the end. Finality, freedom, relief, rest…doom.

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