Over the years I have been subjected to some negative feedback for sharing my life, and doing so with an honest and sometimes raw viewpoint. This is my online journal, with nothing to hide and certainly nothing to lose. I don’t just rant for the sake of ranting. I don’t accuse unless I believe there is cause for indictment. I have also tried to be as transparent as I can possibly be about my own faults, which are many in and of themselves.
First off, any of us which take a hard and honest look internally, will see embarrassing and downright stupid things we want to keep out of the light. I endeavor to destroy the myth of perfection, and find others who can also be painfully real about their lives.
Secondarily, I choose to expose wrong-doing through my interpretation of current events. My focus is in areas that are important to me because of my personal experiences. This is all amplified by my current situation, suffering through the deepest, darkest places I have ever seen. Mental Illness has me in its clutches to the point I have most days given into despair and hopelessness. Everything is out of whack.
Thirdly, I am tired of trying to help people understand what I don’t understand about myself. Why I suffer from an anxiety or panic attack, Why I prefer to isolate and withdraw from human contact, why I have nausea every day, have terrible headaches and cannot sleep. Then I am up and manic only to plunge into deep depression.
In the midst of all this I try to keep writing as much as I can. Processing. My therapist asked me what my goals for my sessions would be. I told her before I set any goals I have to believe they are attainable, I have to see hope. I can say as of now I don’t see it.
This is a real life.