I am…

I am a hallucination to others, an image fleeting, a voice like a ghost, a forgotten past.

I am a never was, an impossible thought, an unrealized concept, an implied human.

I can’t join the human race. I won’t. Try to make me and watch my unrecognizable visage be a wisp of smoke gone before you knew there was a flame to be extinguished.


Should I become a part of the invisible you thought you saw the last time you drove past an intersection. You avoided eye contact, but it won’t be me. I won’t be there…I will have been long gone.

I haven’t received the justice or the punishment I’ve deserved. So the haze that exists in this limbo is my home.


Why do you insist I am here when you don’t recognize anything about me? Can you not see the pain? Do you not sense the futility? Has your empathy reached its limit, which is anything beyond your limited, myopic vision?

Am I the least of these that you’ve heard tell of, or just a weak human with no business breathing your air? I really want to know.

You said you were my friend but you are gone and I am here. Did I hurt you? Did I drive you away? Did I resist your out stretched hand? I did so because I had no choice, but you did.


One thought on “I am…

  1. Whoa. The expression of your feelings are your truth and I’m sorry for your pain. Life sure is painful and to overcome or heal from such misery is exhausting. Then to worry if there is ever an end to the sickening misery just drags you deeper and deeper into the darkness of wondering.

    The frustration and devastation of what seems you’ve expressed of losing a friend is something I am also able to relate to. I ask similar questions as you have shared. Why are other people so difficult to understand? We are all the same species, right? Why was the outstretched hand not good enough? Why was the pain and hurt magnified like no other experience?

    Every person has a choice. You mentioned you didn’t; referring to only the limits of ones imagination. I do believe every person does have a choice. With each choice comes consequence. Either the consequence be good or bad, life is filled with risk. Every choice is a risk to be taken. I’m sorry if you feel you don’t have the power to make a choice. But you do. Your choices are filled with risk and consequence, but that is part of life being so complicated.

    I hope you’re able to receive the answers needed for your lingering questions. Your writing shows the pain you’re feeling. The pain is real. You can’t be denied that. But as a person offering a response to your message, I wish you the strength to take control of your choices and find the answers to the emotional questions that seem a lingering pain needing answers, understanding, and healing.


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