It all runs together, the emotions and beliefs I direct toward myself.
- agony
- numb
- angry
- frustration
- fear
- failure
- contempt
- guilt
- shame
- frozen
- doubt
- anxiety
- worthless
- used
- embarrassed
- diluted
- hopeless
- abandoned
- unloved
- dirty
- spent
- loathing
- decomposing
- unfaithful
- untrustworthy
- stupid
These words speak to me, swirling in the undercurrent of my mind. Beyond the Tinnitus ringing constantly in my head I am drowning in the failure I am and was always destined to be. Over and over, nothing new, this is years and decades pushing into half a century.
I am not ready to accept this as my end, but it is a difficult road to take after all this time. What is this about? Why did it fall to me? Why must I live this life because my father was unable to control his sexual urges? Why do you insist that I can change it all? Why do you fight for my abuser and relegate me to this life and point the finger at me? Why cannot I have peace?
You insist I have control here. If you feel that way I respect your opinion. However, the crushing weight has squeezed that out of me like a grape to make wine. I cannot live down the mistakes. I cannot recoup any sort of good name, or reputation. Now, it’s just plain old survival. Sometimes scratching and clawing or sleepwalking and stumbling.
Second by second life is ticking away; minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years…This isn’t merely hyperbole. It’s my perpetual reality.
The Place to be Real 