I Have A Name For This Life

I was thinking today what I would call this journey I am on. Some days are actually OK, while many are depressing beyond belief.  I’d rather not get out of beda lot of the time and I wouldn’t turn down a get-out-of-life-free card either. The pendulum, though somewhat controlled by medications, still swings wide each way.

Yesterday I had a few calls to make and appointments to setup. At the same time I received some not so positive news. I had a physical last week and apparently there is a problem with my Kidneys and their output. I have to make some adjustments and have another evaluation in 2 weeks. I also set up future therapy appointments, etc, etc.

The words I came up with, and please if I have plagiarized this it’s totally innocent, is Beautiful Chaos. 

How else could this road be explained? Mental health is everything but healthy. It is more a game of chance as to ones potential health. I can’t explain why sometimes I just want to die, and then there’s days like today.  I spend all morning out hitting thrift stores and come away with some really great things. Still, when I get back home the same old negative feelings overshadow me.

I took my meds as directed, I drank a lot of water today, as per my physician, and still, sick to my stomach. Queasy, exhausted, hopeless and giving up. It’s all still there, as it has always been.

This Beautiful Chaos has me along for the ride. At least until I do something to end the madness.


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