It was another memorable birthday as number 59 resulted in 2 cards received, my brother and my wife. I’m not surprised seeing that I have moved so much and left a bit of a trail of ugliness in my wake.
Now that I have diagnosis’ that pinpoint the mental illnesses I am confronting, I don’t suppose I will see a multiplication of cards in the future! This is the stuff that singles you out as damaged, too much trouble a problem deal with. Come to think of it I have always been a problem, it’s just that now I have a name for them.
It’s here I must stress something. I am at a specific point on the road of mental illness. Though I have suffered the symptoms for many years I did so being told It was all my fault. People in the church I was in pushed me down and ostracized me. Screw them!!!
It is some comfort to know that these things have hampered me for decades though undiagnosed, but this time is still very painful.
As I set out on this new trail it is full of pitfalls and cautionary signs. Up to this point I have filtered my pain through my childhood, and the wreckage I have left strewn behind me. I am told this must change. It’s supremely difficult to change the momentum of a lifetime. I know, I have unplugged from life for over 5 months now and haven’t seen any progress. Instead, now I am consumed with a finality, a thought of ending the pain that cripples my heart and emotions.
This is where I am, for good or for bad. I am not closed off but I will not fall for a greener pastures pitch without much serious reflection.
Just a note to those genuinely care about my life, I am not giving up, but I am feeling pretty whipped!
The Place to be Real 