I walked past a picture of my wife and I after we were married, walking back up the aisle. Our faces gleaming in the joy and excitement of our union. Only, when I look at that picture, it more often than not reminds me of all I have done wrong. Taunting me, telling me that I have no right to feel happiness. How can I smile after the stupid choices I have made, over and over.
I feel tired, afraid, I sense my day by day decline physically, emotionally and mentally. I don’t want to be around people because they are what I have had the most trouble with over the years. Either getting to close or not close enough. I have acted out of my need to be validated and given myself away when I had nothing to give.
I don’t like this, I would rather not feel anything, haven’t I persecuted myself enough already? Haven’t I already been in a self-imposed prison long enough to have paid for my sins? I won’t work another day of my life, this much I know. I can’t stand to be around people, people oblivious to the torture I am in just being in their presence.
This is unexplainable to the point my psychiatrist doesn’t get it. Unfortunately, I understand it all too well.
Now I just want to detach for a while, forget everything that has happened somehow and just exist in this place of solitude. Nothing personal mind you its just for my own survival because feeling like this has become too much to bear. This is no joke. This isn’t hyperbole its real like the next breath you need to live.
The Place to be Real 