I feel like a burden on my wife, my employer, and society in general. I have had some sort of job since I was 15 until now. But now…
I can’t work due to overwhelming anxiety. My ability to function day to day is impeded by severe depression. There is also the danger of another bipolar episode that could threaten my depression dive or an exhilaration mania that carries its own dangers.
I can function in basics only.
The worst part is that I am able to put sentences together and my brain is still semi-stable. That is used against me and I fear that stigma. It’s saying I am not disabled because I can be somewhat organized. I have to be or I am going to be living on the street, that’s not something I desire for myself or my wife.
So I remain a burden that is gaining in weight, much like I am physically. I keep busy playing with bicycles and stereos and old school media but thats not benefiting anyone really.
I am getting less hopeful and thats saying something. Hope is a rare commodity in my life. But a flicker remains. Exhausted, losing hope, feeling useless…it ‘aint over yet. I am still able to deadlift my carcass outta bed.