New Year, New Hope?

This is a tough concept to consider. There have been decades of pain so what makes you/me think this year will be any different?

For me, 2019 had me in out-patient hospitalization, many therapy appointments and the introduction of a few medications for good measure. It had a psychiatrist declare me to be OK when anything else was obvious. I returned to work basically with an ultimatum and therefore I have had to act the part of normalcy. I have shoved the demons, the questions, the suicidal thoughts to the rear once again to show the world I am fine, but I am really not.

My wife says I seem “off” much of the time when I can simply attribute a feeling of emotional numbness to medications. This is what you get. I have a particular co-worker that constantly is telling me to smile when this is me, through and through. But I digress, back to the subject of this year having the opportunity of holding new hope.   What do I say to that? If I want to simply encourage amidst my own doubts I say YES! Of course!

If I want to be fully real I say I have no idea what the year holds. I haven’t the luxury of spoken expectations and bold predictions. I am existing on a level plain far below where much of the population functions.

So while anything is possible I cannot bring myself to truly believing that with any conviction. For those of us who deal with being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, depression, bipolar anxiety, PTSD there can be no expectations. Only a daily battle to survive everything life throws at us. It isn’t any more or less than anyone else suffers but it feels like life or death everyday.

New Year, New Hope? We’ll see.


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