Upon self reflection in the few months since returning to work, time and distance has revealed some important things.
It feels like I am wasting away a minute at a time.
- I am not very good at self care. Working and not showering are a bad combination, and being apathetic about taking my medications.
- Days off become a spiral into darkness. The distraction of work and people contact keeps me focused outward, but being home, when I should be able to relax becomes a time of introspection and defeat.
- Purpose becomes confused with just living life. My happiness and joy of living are destroyed by the ever-present quest for purpose. Down time becomes the aforementioned issue, downward spiral.
It was a strange transition when diagnosed with depression, PTSD, bipolar disorder and watching life come to a standstill all the sudden. Almost a year later I had to assimilate back into the work environment and it was not easy. Anxiety was my new constant companion. Soooo…
I live in apathy. I try to stay focused when working, engaged and invested…but when work stops there is nothing to fill the void. No passions, no purpose that takes over, nothing. Its a subsistence issue and a feeling of worthlessness that overwhelms me. I have no answers, no energy, no will to fight anymore. So I will continue in the same way I have to this point but leaving a door open for opportunity if one should become obvious.
Because I ‘aint dead yet!