I Can’t Believe

I am a man of many years now. I was born in the sixties and a teen in the seventies. I got married when I was in my late twenties and proceeded to hurtle through life like we all do. Before I knew it I had expended all my energy and not found what I thought I was looking for.

So I sit here today having recently become a vegetarian, feeling a little queasy from the “protein” burger I just ate; watching YouTube videos to pass the time. When I am not working I am doing nothing of value to me or anyone else. I allowed my purpose and vision to be clouded and destroyed by a singular enemy.

That enemy was pornography.

There was a sinister and dark figure that overshadowed everything I put my efforts to. I tried to live two lives and they fought one against the other. This addiction managed to out flank every recovery from mistakes, out smart every commitment I made to leaving it behind. In every way that is possible I failed to relieve myself of this wicked stalker. It had me and it knew it.

I cannot blame my childhood for this I can only fault myself. I wasn’t strong enough, I wasn’t brave enough, I was weak and afraid to be without it. Therefor I paid the price for my weakness with the destruction of the good that tried to fight its way through. Like a weed not pulled up by it’s roots it only grew stronger and more stubborn.

I am sorry. There are people I hurt, many people, I apologize. I hope you will know I never intended for what happened to occur. It is only now that I see how sick and infected I was.

Today, I am free of the addiction to pornography, but it is little consolation when I remember the many chances I sabotaged and the overflowing wake of damage done. I promise to you that I will not try to make a comeback, I haven’t earned that privilege. Porn took my life, I hope and pray you find yourself free of addiction.


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