When Depression Descends

It's hard to predict and difficult to understand. You just can never tell when depression will land on you like a giant suffocating weight. First let me state that depression is ever-present, but it takes more ominous forms at indiscriminate times.  For me, depression hasn't lifted from its current form for at least the last …

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In the Balance

Three days into partial hospitalization and its the weekend, a couple days break then back into the gauntlet. I learned something today,  I knew it all along but it was on full display and revealed before the cold, fluorescent light of a group therapy session. I am a man overcome with shame. A lifetime of …

Justifying Mental Disease

I am getting weary of having to explain over and over what I am going through. I really just need a permanent resolution. Any kind of permanent resolution. I can't do this. It is not enough I cannot function, they want me to hyper function. I struggle with having enough purpose to live and they're …

A Story…How He Loves

How He Loves Today... today I was reminded of this song and the story behind it, I was moved again. I felt emotions I haven't for quite a while. You might even say that it inspired me to make a move back towards God. It's been some time since we've spoken. Please take the time …

Empty

Have you ever felt completely hollow, like there is no one inside your body? It's as if you had vacated it. I have been forced out entirely but for the instinctive motor actions that keep this shell alive. Sleeping, eating, breathing all continue, but nothing else. This form is recognizable by others but I scarcely …

Time is Not a Healer

This is an old wives tale, I can assure you. Only those who have suffered immense levels of unforgiving pain can tell you this. Through the maze of memories, nightmares and unknowns some are lucky, but time is more of a curse than a healer. As you live year after year, time only compounds the …

Little…

Hopelessness is a dangerous feeling. It can poison and destroy a persons entire being. For me, I see hopelessness translate into a lack of motivation that has infected me from my mind right through my bodies individual molecule. Every possible escape from it is met with subtle yet powerful forces that strong-arm me into malaise. …

This is Where it all Began

***Let me preface this blog with a warning.*** I am not going to soften the graphic images I relate too you in words. I cannot. If you are struggling with your ability to withstand the descriptions of sexual abuse I caution you to consider what you do next. These are my memories and recollections. They …

When Will I Find It?

I've searched high and low, spent decades in looking for "it", still it eludes me like a sad joke. So I lift my head on another day like most of those before it with being able to somehow get out of bed and make even a little something out of this thing called life. Problem …