Day to Day

It all runs together, the emotions and beliefs I direct toward myself. agony numb angry frustration fear failure contempt guilt shame frozen doubt anxiety worthless used embarrassed diluted hopeless abandoned unloved dirty spent loathing decomposing unfaithful untrustworthy stupid These words speak to me, swirling in the undercurrent of my mind. Beyond the Tinnitus ringing constantly …

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When Will I Find It?

I've searched high and low, spent decades in looking for "it", still it eludes me like a sad joke. So I lift my head on another day like most of those before it with being able to somehow get out of bed and make even a little something out of this thing called life. Problem …

Should I or shouldn’t I?

When I write it is problematic for me. It causes people to either freak out or say good job. This is my open journal of life, my thoughts, intentions, my failures and fears. I am going to take a break. When and if I feel it is time to return, I will. If not, good …

What day is it?

I've lost track of many things with memory issues increasing. I can only assume already bad memory circuits are further depleted by prescription drugs. I have been told that I am apathetic, life interests have faded to black, my choices are poor (although that's no news flash). Yesterday I watched a documentary on Netflix that …

The Slow Crumble

I have a history. I was born into a sexually abusive family and the scarring hasn't gone away. I am a quintessential example of the long term-effects of trauma on a child and adolescent. It has poisoned every aspect of life from my goals and aspirations to every single relationship, significant or otherwise. There was …

The Disturbing Trend of Leaving Everything to God

Ok, here a few observations: Christians are busy, especially Christian leaders in any capacity. Much is left to the intervention and "will" of God, at least until the revelation of failure in which men intervene and become their own almighty gods. Christians assume an awful lot, and in doing so, they have grown lazy in …

The Only Fight That Matters

When you disappoint others, it is difficult to win them back. When you disappoint yourself there may be no getting back. This morning that's what I feel I have ultimately done with my life, let myself down. I am tired and spent, unable or maybe unwilling to get off the mat after that last, crushing …

In Your Mind

Spouting pat sayings are nothing new, whether within the church or without. We all have a few up our sleeve that we pull out at opportune times. They are the quotes we've had bored into our psyches and belief systems that may have a bit of truth, but fall significantly short of their supposed all-inclusive and far-reaching …

Wearing Authenticity Proudly

First, confession time: I have found myself lingering at the well of authenticity without moving into the deeper heart change that precedes a holier lifestyle. I question myself first before you today. How am I becoming more like Christ? Am I willing to push through my pain to find my place in the church again? Am I willing to …