In the Balance

Three days into partial hospitalization and its the weekend, a couple days break then back into the gauntlet. I learned something today,  I knew it all along but it was on full display and revealed before the cold, fluorescent light of a group therapy session. I am a man overcome with shame. A lifetime of …

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E x h a u s t e d

Running on empty, not enough in me to even write this post. I'll leave it there for now.

Time is Not a Healer

This is an old wives tale, I can assure you. Only those who have suffered immense levels of unforgiving pain can tell you this. Through the maze of memories, nightmares and unknowns some are lucky, but time is more of a curse than a healer. As you live year after year, time only compounds the …

Where Is the Justice?

Why do victims of violence have to get over stuff? Why are those who perpetrate violence getting away with it? This is the essence of my post today. Those who've gotten over something wonder why others continue to struggle with it. They can't understand why someone who has been severely traumatized won't let go. Here's …

My New Do

In honor of my arrival at psycho/inmate status, I have shaved all my hair off. This is me in acceptance of what life has become and always will be.

When Will I Find It?

I've searched high and low, spent decades in looking for "it", still it eludes me like a sad joke. So I lift my head on another day like most of those before it with being able to somehow get out of bed and make even a little something out of this thing called life. Problem …

Should I or shouldn’t I?

When I write it is problematic for me. It causes people to either freak out or say good job. This is my open journal of life, my thoughts, intentions, my failures and fears. I am going to take a break. When and if I feel it is time to return, I will. If not, good …

A lesson from Kill Bill

A lonely person will make very poor choices when desperate for any sort of intimacy. Combine the loneliness with an inferiority complex and it becomes dangerous. Add to that a fear of intimacy and get ready for certain disaster. I am replaying in my mind the many situations in which I exemplified what not to …

Medicating is Medicating

Some will say you are a sissy or a loser because you medicate. Unfortunately, some things are so horrific that to survive, no matter how poorly, we mistakenly try to distract  from the immensity of its powerful death grip with whatever we can use to escape and indulge ourselves. I used to use pornography to …