I haven’t written in a very long time, in fact I let my subscription lapse and I am back to a basic blog. I figured why spend the money on something I am not using.
So forgive this rather brief and unadorned update.
I am numb. I live in a miasma of nothingness. I work, I eat, I sleep and I repeat. Yes, many people can say this same thing but added to it is deep regret, self-loathing, and zero energy to do more. I left the church, the place where I found my identity for many years. Now I float along in a stream of frustration. Any talents I once used are now an anathema to me. I still have guitars, a violin, a keyboard but they all sit silent. I have sketchpads, drawing implements but they go unused.
I am trying to at least be consistent in my employment. To work and provide funds for bills and so forth. I don’t want to come off as depressed, because if thats what this is, it has become a lifestyle. I am having a few medical problems too, for the most part brought on by my lack of regard for my physical well-being.
I am 62, I am quickly passing the date at which anyone wants to hear my problems and issues. I am just becoming an old man who has lost the joy of living.
I am not suicidal, I am not on the edge of doing something desperate, I am just a man who has lost his way but keeps walking, keeps getting up everyday, tries his best to fulfill his responsibilities.
Just about everything I have said has started with the letter I, it seems unfortunately self centered. But it is me, a person. I have feelings, pain, doubts and fears. I just don’t have the ability to any longer wear the mask that everything is fine. It’s not. Time is not on my side.
Rest assured, as you go about your life and deal with inconveniences, sorrow, guilt, obsessions and mistakes that I have already been there and seen the future. Yes, numbness has set in. I raise a toast to you and finding your way through the maze we call life.